What to write? The last several weeks have been overwhelming and stressful and in that time I turned 49. I have been thinking a lot lately what exactly that means for my future. I’m clearly on the back half of my life and not yet hit the milestone of 50 but what happens now and what do I have to show for it? Obviously, I have the best kids in the world that are my proudest accomplishment but I’m talking personal kudos. I still feel like a kid that hasn’t grown up in many ways. I feel I have been a successful starving artist i.e. non income producing artist with a soul. So I have shown that I’ve got the goods and that I can tap into an incredible source of creativity and dig out meaningful artwork. I guess I’m stuck in that “I don’t know how to get my work out into the world for all to see and enjoy” place. That’s always been the catch. Is that a self esteem issue or just not part of my DNA to be a salesperson? And what to do about it? It is so opposite of how confident I am in my work. And at 49, are my parents actually proud of me?
Next in my bag of “to deal with” is how to handle my kids. I never thought in a million years that everyday would be spent making sure they succeed. I hold my breath in the morning and literally pray at night that they will make it through the obstacles du jour. There is nothing left for me at the end of the day. Will I ever get to be footloose again in my life? Will I get to wander the world while I can still walk? Not be on the clock? Disney didn’t prepare me for this!
Innately I know I shouldn’t be thinking about the “what ifs” all the time! I’m missing being in the present moment and really living life and seeing, feeling, sensing what is right in front of me. At present, however, I seem to be wallowing in it. Hate this s–t! Maybe Buddhism should be on my radar….